I had to share tonight as my heart is heavy. I found out tonight that our neighbour Clay, had been killed this weekend in a motorcycle accident. Clay had lived across the street from us ever since we moved in, 6 years ago. He was a loner, a bit of an odd-duck - probably in his early 40s but to be honest I could never really tell, as most of the year it was hidden behind a long beard - he was a true biker (complete with pot-belly) and owned a beautiful classic car that would win prizes in local contests. The first time we met Clay, he had stumbled into our back yard by accident, rather worse for wear, after winning a prize for his car :)
He worked at King Soopers and I would often see him putting out produce or working on the checkout. To be honest, when I saw him I would often turn my cart around or choose another checkout. I don't know why. he made me feel a bit awkward I suppose. I know he had diabetes, and on more than one occasion he would get driven off in an ambulance late at night as we all peered from behind our curtains.
We'd have our odd chats in the street - about the weather or Rowan or whether my parents were going to be visiting soon.
A couple of weeks ago, there was a knock on the door and it was Clay. I was quite taken aback as he usually keeps himself to himself. He told me that he had renovated his mail box, and if I wanted, he would be happy to do mine too. He showed me his newly restored mailbox - he had rubbed down the metal and spray painted inside and out and painted the handle red. it looked awesome - like it was brand new. He said he had materials left over and would be happy to work on mine (that was rusty and awful). According to my stay-at-home neighbor, each day he would wander over to my mail box and sand it down, spray, paint etc. until it looked brand new.
I had hoped to see him and thank him for his kindess. Finally I wrote a thank you card and put it in his mailbox, but to be honest. I will never know if he ever got it, never know if he knew how thankful I was for his time, effort and thoughtfulness.
Hi lived alone and died alone. His truck is still in his driveway and I'm sure there are dishes in the sink and laundry to be done that will remain there until someone comes and goes through his estate.
Clay was a neighbor that I never reached out to, and I am feeling deep regret and saddness. He reached out to me and his parting gift to me was my nice new shiny mailbox and I will always be grateful.

Jim taught on Prejudice this morning. Mercy trumps Judgement was the main message. When I think about mercy, I think of films where a King pardons someone who really ought to 'get what they deserve'. I think of yelling 'mercy, mercy' in a childhood game - usually with my arm twisted behind my back!
I have a geek streak...and I visit dictionary.com a fair bit - so I typed in 'mercy' and found the following definition very interesting:

Mercy
By the atoning sacrifice of Christ a way is open for the exercise of mercy towards the sons of men, in harmony with the demands of truth and righteousness (Gen. 19:19; Ex. 20:6; 34:6, 7; Ps. 85:10; 86:15, 16). In Christ mercy and truth meet together. (Matt. 5:7; 18:33-35).
Easton's 1897 Bible

In Christ, mercy and truth meet together.

Another definition included the following - "leniency and compassion shown toward offenders by a person or agency charged with administering justice".

Truth....Justice....Mercy.

Obviously God knew something here. Why mercy instead of judgement?

Because something different happens with mercy.

At the moment mercy is granted...both the extender and the recipient know that the 'offender' actually deserved everything they were going to get (is that the truth piece?) and it is that truth that leads to redemption, changed behavior and in due course may allow mercy to be extended to others (justice?).

Up until this moment, I had never considered mercy as a catalyst. God has such a topsy-turvy way of doing business. The power is always in the most surprising place. If mercy is the catalyst, then it stands to reason that judgement is the opposite. Maybe that is why those we judge, usually do not change - neither do the hearts of those making the judgement.

I think about my own life and how reluctant I have been to extend mercy. We cling to judgement as if without it, we cannot stand firm. I'm learning that standing firm in that way, may mean standing alone.

God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows that mercy, in the end, will always be more effective in communicating His Truth than judgement. He also knows that it's one of the hardest things for us to learn.

When I think of the word 'quest'...I think of adventure, danger, dragons, narrow-escapes, daring heroes or heroines. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the word quest....maybe I should have committed to a gentle spiritual stroll...because today is day 3 and I am tired - having faced my own dragons and narrow-escapes today. I even muttered the dangerous phrase 'could today get any worse?' - and then proceeded to sit on I-25 for an hour and a half while an accident cleared at I-25 and Lincoln. As I sat in the car flipping through radio stations trying to figure out why the traffic was at a standstill I noticed that I was driving behind a car that had a large sticker on the back windshield. It was an ornate tree-like design with the words 'saved to live' and then 'live to serve'. I thought..wow, that person must really be into being a christian...but as I was looking at the sticker, the sun was shining through the window and a shadow was cast onto one of the back seats and it read quite clearly 'saved to live, live to serve'. The actual words were on the window, but with the addition of the sunlight, the words became alive and visible in another location. That's what God's love should release in us. The love moving through us allows our faith to be reflected elsewhere. Without that love, we are all just stickers on a car windshield.

Was today really Day One? I'd better hurry up and figure something out before this day is over! A 40 day spiritual quest sounded so exciting - but now I'm not sure what that looks like for me.
I really liked what my friend Tanya wrote..that during the next 40 days her intention is to bring balance to her life.....so I worked out today (which was good) and then ate a chocolate cookie (which was bad) I prayed while driving to work this morning (pretty good) and then screamed at a stupid driver while exiting the freeway(not so good)..is that balance?

Argh! Why can't I disappear to a beautiful retreat center and listen to the birds, and the wind in the trees as I contemplate intimacy with God. I suck :(

I finally booked tickets to see Rob Bell's new Tour. He will be in Denver on November 7 at the Paramount Theatre. I am so excited - I think he is fab!
Check out the link http://www.thegodsarentangry.com/ and while you are there...download the teachings from Mars Hill. Fantastic.

Why won't people come to ABBA!!!! I apologize- Open Recovery.
It was opening night tonight and seven people showed up. SEVEN! One of which was myself (I'm repeating the year....recovery special Ed). We made cool posters, established the website - what is it with people at church thinking they don't need it? Is it that life really isn't that bad? That recovery is only for the truly screwed? Not just the partially twisted?
Jeez....

I wrote this a few months ago. I wasn't sure whether or not to post it, but decided to.

"My marriage is on life-support. It’s been a while now. The crisis and the trauma and the acute pain has passed and now a dull soul ache has set in. The experts say that only time will tell. That the damage is severe but there is always hope, it may just take a long time.

Some around me have finally begun the grieving process, anxious for me to do the same – “it’s time to let go..you can’t go on like this…you are young…you have your whole life ahead of you”.

Others, like me, are waiting – for a sign, for a sense of peace.

Some are standing around awkwardly, glad that the decision isn’t theirs to make, not quite sure of the right things to say or do. Being jolly and trying to look on the bright side.

Days go by when there is no sign of change and the looming decision finally begins to take shape in my mind, but then there is a faint spark of life and my soul lurches, thoughts and feelings of healing and hope surge into me and for a moment the pain vanishes.

I sit quietly listening to the beep..beep…beep…

On the bed lies my hopes and dreams, past and future – my wedding pictures, tiny baby clothes, love letters, empty coffee cups, silly fridge magnets,

I look to these treasures as one may stroke the beautifully soft, un-blemished hand of severe burn victim; not wanting to see the ugliness and ruin of something that was once so full of promise.

I too feel that I am hovering between life and death.

Will I be brought back? "

I had quite the ah-ha moment driving home from work this evening. The car that I am driving has both a CD player AND a cassette player, and I'm excited to finally be able to catch up on some reading (books on tape count, right?) during my commute time.
I'm currently listening to Grace Eventually by Anne Lamott - a left-wing, outspoken, witty christian author - just my kind of drive-time entertainment. The chapter that contained my ah-ha moment was in regards to a sunday school class that she taught to a group of pre-school boys. The topic of the class was the wailing wall. She showed the boys pictures of the wall and told them how people write prayers to God and place them in the wall as a gesture of trust in God. She wondered how she would teach these young children about 'letting go' and releasing things to God's care. So, she stood in front of them and held out her hands. In each hand was a marker pen. She then told them that she wanted a drink of water, but that she was unable to reach out for the cup because of what she was holding on to. It was common sense to the children that she had to let go of what she was holding on to so that she could take a drink, but she asked the children 'why should I let go?". "Because you are thirsty" they replied.

That was my ah-ha moment. What am I thirsty for, and what am I holding onto that is preventing me from getting what I want or need. Maybe I want to continue holding on, more than I want X (fill in the blank). Maybe its too risky, so I reach out for that glass of water, struggling with my hands full of 'stuff' and then wonder why it feels painful, or seem suprised when the glass crashes to the ground, often followed by whatever else was in my arms.

Maybe like the wailing wall, I need to write a thousand little notes and prayers and hand them over - let go of all the stuff that I carry around like a homeless bag lady. Maybe someone needs to come in and prise them out of my vice-like grip!

My question then remains...what do I want, and want do I have to let go of, to get it.

So, here we are four months later - in the middle of a huge thunder storm no less.

I haven't visited my blog for months, so it feels quite odd to read the 'about me' piece, and my two previous posts. I made some changes to the 'about me' bit too. That felt even weirder.

Life has changed quite significantly since my last post and there is a part of me that just wants to delete this blog entirely and create a new one. Wouldn't that be great - when life gets tough - delete - new blog please :)

Life is messy and painful at the moment. My emotions are all over the place. I have trouble finding any kind of emotional bearings, because the things that I've always used to navigate are gone.

So what about God you may be asking...good question. I understand that it's while camping out in the proverbial valley that God shows up with a flashlight and cup of tea, but I have to admit that I'm not sure if I'm ready for that cuppa just yet.

It feels like a mild panic....like I've just been told that guests are going to arrive in 10 minutes....but the house is a mess and I've just colored my hair and put hair-removing cream on my legs and bikini line! Not to mention the dirty laundry and dishes in the sink...where do I even start?

Can you come back tomorrow? I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!

Ok, so each night I sit down with my laptop and I blog-surf. There are 3 or 4 blogs that I visit faithfully each day, and sometimes even post comments! I love reading other people's thoughts, visions, dreams, daily routines, or extraodinary events.

When it comes to my own personal blog though, I am mute - although mute conjours up a far more peaceful vision that how i feel inside! Inside it feels more like one of those dreams where you are desperately trying to scream and shout to save your life but no sound is coming out!

Frustrating and rather panicked. Do I really not have anything to say? Those who know me would chuckle at this, as I usually have rather a lot to say about almost everything.
It's the pressure, you know. Knowing that people could read it. People that I want to approve of me, to think I have amazing insight and wisdom beyond my years, but that also I'm rather witty!

I talked with Amy tonight about my struggle to write and she gave some good advice. I just need to be me. And be ok with what that sounds/looks like.

On the Mars Hill podcast last weekend, their Lent series began with a sermon on Self. The sermon was about our created notions of Self and how we need to always be aware of who we are creating and why. He (Kent) said 'Who I am, right this minute, is who I am". I thought this was interesting both from a 'who am I trying to be? What image of myself am I knowingly or unknowingly projecting to those around me right now? but also from a 'ok Kate, cut the crap - you are always going to be 20 pounds overweight, disorganized, have zits, enjoy eating Velveeta on a Friday night, never going to read the 20 books lined up by your bed or vacuum under the sofa kind of person. AND GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

Scary.

So, who am I right now? I am tired; I know I need to study for a class I'm teaching tomorrow, but I'm feeling rebellious because I'd rather be blog-surfing that studying at home!

I'm excited about Brad's new-found spiritual discipline and the amazing change that is occuring within him and our relationship.

I'm a new Auntie - and am desperately waiting to meet little Max in 4 weeks time!

I'm feeling confident about my new job and excited about this opportunity and also that God has been faithful in answering some earnest prayers.

I'm finding my voice (I don't seem to have a problem speaking, just writing) within my church community, but I'm still not totally sure of my role there.

Tonight, I am OK.

Sometimes I wish Sunday morning service didn't end. Sometimes I wish that I could stay surrounded by people worshiping God and seeking him with all their heart; hopeful, focused, their souls lifted.

Picking up Rowan from the church nursery, carrying purses, diaper bags, bible-study materials, saying quick hellos in the lobby - my heart aching as I wish I had more time to spend asking about a friend who is currently going through her third miscarriage in as many months, wishing I could stop my sister-in-law and tell her how awesome and faithful she is to her brother as she juggles three young children and her own journey of faith, wanting to discuss the morning's sermon with the pastor on the way out - "I'd love to discuss the concept of the 'inverted kingdom" - I've been meaning to invite him and his wife over for dinner for the last 6 months.

Driving home thinking about what chores need to be done before the work week begins, I wonder whether I even have the time to pursue the incarnate life. What would that look like? Where exactly would that fit in? I have books piled up around the house. Brian McClaren, Rob Bell, Donald Miller, Dallas Willard, Phillip Yancey - I have podcasts up the wazoo, and now I'm blogging - still trying to figure it out.

I've joined a blog/book club with a bunch of really interesting and smart women - to focus on Spiritual Formation. I excited but petrified. Spiritual Formation sounds so time consuming -like I have to quit my job and think really hard about myself and God for long periods of time. Maybe that is why I have been putting it off. I know that it is a journey I need to begin and that ultimately God will help me with the scheduling part of it. So, with that in mind, I'm off to bed to read today's Divine Hours - there hasn't been enough of them for me today.

I created a blog about 6 months ago after drinking one too many margaritas - I was feeling emotional and empowered to speak my mind - my husband was in bed asleep and it was too late at night to call anyone so I figured blogging was the way to go!

I knew that I had things that I wanted to say, but came down with a serious case of blogging anxiety. The weird thing about blogging is that you are writing to noone in particular but everyone potentially.
So, here I am -slightly more sober and a tad more confident. I've deleted the 'initial' post, updated the template and am ready to go.