When I think of the word 'quest'...I think of adventure, danger, dragons, narrow-escapes, daring heroes or heroines. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the word quest....maybe I should have committed to a gentle spiritual stroll...because today is day 3 and I am tired - having faced my own dragons and narrow-escapes today. I even muttered the dangerous phrase 'could today get any worse?' - and then proceeded to sit on I-25 for an hour and a half while an accident cleared at I-25 and Lincoln. As I sat in the car flipping through radio stations trying to figure out why the traffic was at a standstill I noticed that I was driving behind a car that had a large sticker on the back windshield. It was an ornate tree-like design with the words 'saved to live' and then 'live to serve'. I thought..wow, that person must really be into being a christian...but as I was looking at the sticker, the sun was shining through the window and a shadow was cast onto one of the back seats and it read quite clearly 'saved to live, live to serve'. The actual words were on the window, but with the addition of the sunlight, the words became alive and visible in another location. That's what God's love should release in us. The love moving through us allows our faith to be reflected elsewhere. Without that love, we are all just stickers on a car windshield.

Was today really Day One? I'd better hurry up and figure something out before this day is over! A 40 day spiritual quest sounded so exciting - but now I'm not sure what that looks like for me.
I really liked what my friend Tanya wrote..that during the next 40 days her intention is to bring balance to her life.....so I worked out today (which was good) and then ate a chocolate cookie (which was bad) I prayed while driving to work this morning (pretty good) and then screamed at a stupid driver while exiting the freeway(not so good)..is that balance?

Argh! Why can't I disappear to a beautiful retreat center and listen to the birds, and the wind in the trees as I contemplate intimacy with God. I suck :(

I finally booked tickets to see Rob Bell's new Tour. He will be in Denver on November 7 at the Paramount Theatre. I am so excited - I think he is fab!
Check out the link http://www.thegodsarentangry.com/ and while you are there...download the teachings from Mars Hill. Fantastic.

Why won't people come to ABBA!!!! I apologize- Open Recovery.
It was opening night tonight and seven people showed up. SEVEN! One of which was myself (I'm repeating the year....recovery special Ed). We made cool posters, established the website - what is it with people at church thinking they don't need it? Is it that life really isn't that bad? That recovery is only for the truly screwed? Not just the partially twisted?
Jeez....

I wrote this a few months ago. I wasn't sure whether or not to post it, but decided to.

"My marriage is on life-support. It’s been a while now. The crisis and the trauma and the acute pain has passed and now a dull soul ache has set in. The experts say that only time will tell. That the damage is severe but there is always hope, it may just take a long time.

Some around me have finally begun the grieving process, anxious for me to do the same – “it’s time to let go..you can’t go on like this…you are young…you have your whole life ahead of you”.

Others, like me, are waiting – for a sign, for a sense of peace.

Some are standing around awkwardly, glad that the decision isn’t theirs to make, not quite sure of the right things to say or do. Being jolly and trying to look on the bright side.

Days go by when there is no sign of change and the looming decision finally begins to take shape in my mind, but then there is a faint spark of life and my soul lurches, thoughts and feelings of healing and hope surge into me and for a moment the pain vanishes.

I sit quietly listening to the beep..beep…beep…

On the bed lies my hopes and dreams, past and future – my wedding pictures, tiny baby clothes, love letters, empty coffee cups, silly fridge magnets,

I look to these treasures as one may stroke the beautifully soft, un-blemished hand of severe burn victim; not wanting to see the ugliness and ruin of something that was once so full of promise.

I too feel that I am hovering between life and death.

Will I be brought back? "

I had quite the ah-ha moment driving home from work this evening. The car that I am driving has both a CD player AND a cassette player, and I'm excited to finally be able to catch up on some reading (books on tape count, right?) during my commute time.
I'm currently listening to Grace Eventually by Anne Lamott - a left-wing, outspoken, witty christian author - just my kind of drive-time entertainment. The chapter that contained my ah-ha moment was in regards to a sunday school class that she taught to a group of pre-school boys. The topic of the class was the wailing wall. She showed the boys pictures of the wall and told them how people write prayers to God and place them in the wall as a gesture of trust in God. She wondered how she would teach these young children about 'letting go' and releasing things to God's care. So, she stood in front of them and held out her hands. In each hand was a marker pen. She then told them that she wanted a drink of water, but that she was unable to reach out for the cup because of what she was holding on to. It was common sense to the children that she had to let go of what she was holding on to so that she could take a drink, but she asked the children 'why should I let go?". "Because you are thirsty" they replied.

That was my ah-ha moment. What am I thirsty for, and what am I holding onto that is preventing me from getting what I want or need. Maybe I want to continue holding on, more than I want X (fill in the blank). Maybe its too risky, so I reach out for that glass of water, struggling with my hands full of 'stuff' and then wonder why it feels painful, or seem suprised when the glass crashes to the ground, often followed by whatever else was in my arms.

Maybe like the wailing wall, I need to write a thousand little notes and prayers and hand them over - let go of all the stuff that I carry around like a homeless bag lady. Maybe someone needs to come in and prise them out of my vice-like grip!

My question then remains...what do I want, and want do I have to let go of, to get it.