Thursday, August 16, 2007

I wrote this a few months ago. I wasn't sure whether or not to post it, but decided to.

"My marriage is on life-support. It’s been a while now. The crisis and the trauma and the acute pain has passed and now a dull soul ache has set in. The experts say that only time will tell. That the damage is severe but there is always hope, it may just take a long time.

Some around me have finally begun the grieving process, anxious for me to do the same – “it’s time to let go..you can’t go on like this…you are young…you have your whole life ahead of you”.

Others, like me, are waiting – for a sign, for a sense of peace.

Some are standing around awkwardly, glad that the decision isn’t theirs to make, not quite sure of the right things to say or do. Being jolly and trying to look on the bright side.

Days go by when there is no sign of change and the looming decision finally begins to take shape in my mind, but then there is a faint spark of life and my soul lurches, thoughts and feelings of healing and hope surge into me and for a moment the pain vanishes.

I sit quietly listening to the beep..beep…beep…

On the bed lies my hopes and dreams, past and future – my wedding pictures, tiny baby clothes, love letters, empty coffee cups, silly fridge magnets,

I look to these treasures as one may stroke the beautifully soft, un-blemished hand of severe burn victim; not wanting to see the ugliness and ruin of something that was once so full of promise.

I too feel that I am hovering between life and death.

Will I be brought back? "

6 comments:

tanya said...

Wow. Ouch.

Katie, as you already know, I am one of the friends standing awkwardly by. But reading your words breaks my heart. It makes me think about - feel - what it would be like to see my history spread out waiting for the decision. Pack it away as a treasure of the past or to hold on. Wait. Hope.

I'm still awkward. But I am also still standing by and now I will be praying with you that God will speak to you and give you the answers for your future.

Kate said...

Thanks Tanya. This was such an overwhelming visual for me, that I had to write about it. I've never really felt that way before, but the images and feelings were so strong that I almost had to immediately get them out. It was so painful to write but it helped.

Thanks for commenting.

Amy said...

Me, too, Katie.

Jim Ladd said...

Kate, your ability to articulate your struggle and feelings, and strategy to wait for signs, shows that you are processing well.

That's not great news, cuz it means you are truly feeling things. It's awful and medicinal at the same time.

Your awkward friends are still here, so draw strength from their warmth when they have no words.

We love you.

Kate said...

Thanks Jim :) Hope you are feeling better.

Brad said...

Wow, so as the other party in this marriage, this was incredibly hard for me to read.

I even feel like one of those standing awkwardly by. waiting to see what happens.

Unfortunately, part of the decision is mine to make so I don't get to stand on the sidelines.

I hope for more sparks of life and for healing, grace, redemption an love to bring new life back to this marriage

I love you Kate