Ok, so each night I sit down with my laptop and I blog-surf. There are 3 or 4 blogs that I visit faithfully each day, and sometimes even post comments! I love reading other people's thoughts, visions, dreams, daily routines, or extraodinary events.

When it comes to my own personal blog though, I am mute - although mute conjours up a far more peaceful vision that how i feel inside! Inside it feels more like one of those dreams where you are desperately trying to scream and shout to save your life but no sound is coming out!

Frustrating and rather panicked. Do I really not have anything to say? Those who know me would chuckle at this, as I usually have rather a lot to say about almost everything.
It's the pressure, you know. Knowing that people could read it. People that I want to approve of me, to think I have amazing insight and wisdom beyond my years, but that also I'm rather witty!

I talked with Amy tonight about my struggle to write and she gave some good advice. I just need to be me. And be ok with what that sounds/looks like.

On the Mars Hill podcast last weekend, their Lent series began with a sermon on Self. The sermon was about our created notions of Self and how we need to always be aware of who we are creating and why. He (Kent) said 'Who I am, right this minute, is who I am". I thought this was interesting both from a 'who am I trying to be? What image of myself am I knowingly or unknowingly projecting to those around me right now? but also from a 'ok Kate, cut the crap - you are always going to be 20 pounds overweight, disorganized, have zits, enjoy eating Velveeta on a Friday night, never going to read the 20 books lined up by your bed or vacuum under the sofa kind of person. AND GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

Scary.

So, who am I right now? I am tired; I know I need to study for a class I'm teaching tomorrow, but I'm feeling rebellious because I'd rather be blog-surfing that studying at home!

I'm excited about Brad's new-found spiritual discipline and the amazing change that is occuring within him and our relationship.

I'm a new Auntie - and am desperately waiting to meet little Max in 4 weeks time!

I'm feeling confident about my new job and excited about this opportunity and also that God has been faithful in answering some earnest prayers.

I'm finding my voice (I don't seem to have a problem speaking, just writing) within my church community, but I'm still not totally sure of my role there.

Tonight, I am OK.